


Cross Them All Off and Smile

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bingo Prompts, Bucket List, M/M, Prompt Fill, barisi bingo, brief appearances of Ma and Dad Carisi, brief mentions of unhappy queer teenager, nothing bad happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:47:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23605531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: Sony uncovers a high school relic and discovers he's doing just fine, but he knew that already.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 97
Collections: April 2020 Barisi Bingo





	Cross Them All Off and Smile

Sonny finds it as he's helping his mom clean out some old stuff from the attic. It's in the pocket of a pair of JNCOs he remembers _begging_ for, and he laughs along with his mom at the memory as he unfolds the piece of paper. 

_Things That Are Gonna Happen_

The memory comes up so fast, it feels like yesterday: He remembers exactly where he was and why the list got written. He'd been sixteen and starting to come to terms with his sexuality, praying and praying for God to tell him what to do. You couldn't be queer and be a priest. Or, you could, but then you'd have to lie, and the idea of lying to be a priest had made Sonny feel like he was going to fall into a bottomless pit and fall forever. 

It had hit him during lunch one day. He'd been eating alone, and it came on like a wave: despair and fear and worry. He'd left his lunch tray and grabbed his backpack and run behind the gym. There was a dumpster back there, and if you used the handle on the side as a foothold, you could climb from the ground to the low edge of the roof, and then scramble from there to the old, disused chimney. If you sat on the side where the roof was still slanting up, no one could see you from the ground. 

Sonny leaned against the old chimney and stared at the frayed hems on his jeans. He looked up at the sky and wondered if another prayer would finally fix things. Fix him. Make things feel manageable. 

He'd taken out a notebook and pen without thinking, and the list had poured out of him. 

Reading it now, in the warm haze of the attic while his mom chuckles at whatever she's found in the next box, Sonny is struck at the simple plans that had felt so important. Go to college. Ask a boy on a date. Learn to play guitar. See a Mets Game from the third base line. 

Down at the bottom, Sonny pauses over an item that he'd written and apparently traced over again and again. The letters are four times as dark as any others on the page, and when Sonny runs his thumb over them, he can feel the deep indents on the paper. 

_Fall in love for life_

"Hey, Ma, I'll be right back," Sonny says. "You need anything from downstairs?"

"I was going to take a break in a minute; I'll meet you down there."

Sonny makes his way down the attic stairs and then walks into the kitchen. Rafael's on a barstool at the counter, sipping a glass of white wine, clearly having been put on vegetable chopping duty by Sonny's dad.

"How's it going up there?" Dominick Sr. asks as he glances up from dough he's working. 

"Pretty good. Ma said she's coming down for a break in a minute."

Dominick Sr. immediately stops working the dough and pours a glass of white wine, setting it on the end of the counter where Tessa will see it the moment she walks in the room.

Sonny and Rafael share a smile at the gesture, and Sonny's smile gets wider when Rafael holds up his own glass in offer. 

"Thanks," he says, taking a sip. He sits on the empty stool next to Rafael and places the piece of paper so Rafael can read it. "Found this in an old pair of jeans," he says. "Thought you'd get a kick out of it. I think it's the first bucket list I ever wrote."

"Without looking, I bet there's something about the Mets on there," Rafael says. 

Sonny chuckles. "You're not wrong," he replies. "But this might also be the first time a teenage bucket list is actually completely fulfilled."

Rafael gives him a curious look, then leans in to read it. Sonny watches his face as he reads. Rafael smiles at a few items. He snorts in amusement and taps the item about the Mets. When he gets to the end of the list, he goes very still. 

"Well," he says after a warm pause that wraps around Sonny like a blanket. "Hope that's me."

Sonny noses into Rafael's hair with a laugh. "Who else could it be?"

Rafael turns and presses a quick kiss to his mouth. "This is quite the find. You should frame it."

Sonny touches the paper. "Maybe," he says. He folds the paper over again, careful not to tear the creases, then tucks it into Rafael's shirt pocket. "Keep it safe for now, will you?"

"Of course," Rafael replies, touching his pocket lightly. 

Sonny steals the cutting board and knife and takes over the vegetable chopping. Rafael stands up and pours Sonny a glass of wine of his own as Tessa comes into the room and thanks Dominick Sr. for pouring hers. 

The room settles into a comfortable patter of bickering and conversation, and Sonny hopes that one day, this memory comes back to him just as sharply as the one about the list. The contentment and pleasure of his life he feels right this moment, he hopes, he'll feel again and again. 

Maybe it's time to start a new list.

**Author's Note:**

> Sonny Carisi and I are the same age, basically, which is weird because it means he 100% had JNCOs, and I will never recover from that. Other terrible fashion choices Sonny Carisi probably made: Frosted tips. Pajama pants with slide on rubber sandals at school. Crunchy gel curls, ala Justin Timberlake.


End file.
